"Why can't I...."

Lately I've been overwhelmed with school projects. I've been unable to participate in other activities due to these projects that keep me (seriously) up all night working on them. I know in the past semesters I've been able to manage it a bit more. But I think now that this is my last semester to get things right—do better—try a little harder, I am trying to build myself into someone with skills that are sought after. Unfortunately, friends don't see it that way. I wish I didn't have all these things to do, that I wasn't so tired and drained at the end of the day that all I wanted was some peace and quiet — so I could hang out with people and actally do things. I've said it would be a trying semester for me; so it shouldn't come as a surprise when I suddenly disappear for awhile.

This all makes me upset and I start to get down on myself asking "why can't I be a better friend?" "Why can't I ever do things right?" "Why can't I learn things easily?" Why can't..." you get the picture. And when I feel like this, I feel more alone and close myself off even more so people won't get hurt by me. I'm a terrible friend. I'll be the first to tell you that. But I'd also do anything for you and try to be as good of a friend as I can be and will always be there to talk to you when you need someone. I'm there in your time of need. I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at. Sometimes it feels like I mentally do this- push people away, to protect myself from getting hurt but in the end I still end up hurting not only myself but my friends as well.


I only got 2 hours of sleep last night. My eyes aren't focusing right and i'm seeing bright dots from my neurotransmitter (I really have no idea if that's what it is.. it's probably not a good thing to see those.. that's why i'm gonna go to be)

good night blog reader (CBeck) call me in the morning!

You're a great friend and I count my blessings for having you in my life. I hope I will never fail at returning the favor. Loves.